Gems from Leviticus

Well, not the book of the bible. I'm actually saying Leviticus as a name for this person I do a summer program with, because I shouldn't put real names on here. It's a funny joke, because her real name is Genesis. I can't use her real name, though.

Leviticus is pretty much the smartest person I know. For example, I've had a lot of trouble finding myself, but today, she summed up the exact core essence of my being with a brilliant, concise sentence.

L: He's just being a sausage.


See?!

Now, you may be thinking this isn't so brilliant, but really, it defines me: tasty, but mean, as in, I make you fat and give you heart attacks somewhere along the line. Also, another thing that makes me like a sausage, is that if you're eating me you probably aren't a vegetarian.

Another gem from my favorite person named after a book from the Old Testament:

Now, at this program, we're supposed to be learning how to use Final Cut, the editing program. One of the people at the internship was practicing using Final Cut by editing preexisting footage from an older film that was put on Final Cut for just that purpose. For the purposes of this story, we'll call that person Greasy Dude. (Greasy Dude also has a lovely habit of playing Clocks and Fur Elise on Garageband)

GD: Hey, look what I made!

L:Ok

Time passes

L: You didn't make this!

GD: Uh, yes I did.

L: Naw, you can tell by the hair. They all look like they have hair from the seventies.

Me, hearing from a few chairs away: He edited it, he didn;t actually make it.

L: He what?

Me: He edited it! He edited it!

Now she decides to make fun of me.

L: Edidadada! Edidadadada!

Me: Edited. It's a word. It's what he did. That's how you pronounce it!

GD: Yeah, I mean like, I took stuff that was there and put it together.

L: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Leviticus' two cents on romance:

L: Ms. Teacherlady, I have a question.

Ms. Teacherlady: Yes?

L: Well, it's kind of weird. Well, OK. Is it like, incest, if it's your half sibling's cousin? And you're not actually related to the person because the side your cousin is related to the person on isn't related to you?

Ms. Teacherlady: No.

L: Oh goody! Chris Broooown, mmm mmm mmm!

My room...

Has been cleaned today. Papers have been thrown out, along with most of my hubcap collection and the dead bugs on my bed. I'll be lonely tonight without Scrappy, Scruffy, and Randy.

My father insisted we clean it because my mother and the 9 year old twin sisters I have are coming back to America on Tuesday after their vacation in Israel. So, most of the time, I tried to sit on the computer while my dad cleared things out, though I did help throw away things and I put on music and was grumpy. The most interesting thing I did was take a test telling me how autistic I was: http://www.msnbc.com/modules/newsweek/autism_quotient/default.asp. I got a 29 and then a 26. I think I may have been more inclined to answer more autistic answers because of how I thought I had aspbergers when I was younger. On another day I might score lower. Also, most of my answers were "slightly agree" or "slightly disagree". I'm not a hugely principled person, so most things don't apply to me all the time.

Hmm. Just now, I tried to take the test and answer as inautistically as possible, and I got a 5. Sometime in the future, I'm going to try to get a 50.

My dad said that the fact that I was taking this test while he cleaned behind me proves that I should have a high score.

Being bad at updating a blog

Is what I do best.

Today, my father and myself were cleaning out my room, and I found all these things from my childhood. One of them was from sixth grade, when I was in some gifted program called "Workshop". It was the year-end workshop newsletter, with writing selections, drawings, and games from people in each grade who were in Workshop.

I only had one addition to it. That was a one page story called "Dimension 3.5". It was just two superheroes beating each other up. I dunno how much my writing has matured since.

The most impressive thing in it was by an anonymous author, who I am pretty sure was Vasanth, one of the other people in the sixth grade. He probably should have been in college at that point, though. The article was about the dangers of philosophy. Sixth Grade. Sheesh.

The whole thing is, on the whole, rather embarassing. Apparently, being gifted means that you have a penchant for drawing manga style portraits of girls with animal ears.

WTF

So, Bad Lieutenant, the 90s classic (that I desperately need to see) with Harvey Keitel as the tortured deeply flawed police dude ibeing remade by Hollywood with Nicholas Cage. Val Kilmer also has a role, and, browsing imdb, I see that Xzibit is in it. (For those who don't know, that's the lovely fellow from pimp my ride. He also, once upon a time, was known as a rapper, as seen here.) Also, the setting has been moved to New Orleans. The movie is called Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Abel Ferrara, director of the original Bad Lieutenant has expressed his feelings that the people remaking this should "die in hell".

Now, ordinarily, this seems like it could be a fair statement. However, the person signed up to direct this film is.....................................................................................................
.....................................................................................................

Are you ready for it?

WERNER HERZOG!!!!!!!!

It's like the person writing the story of the world just got really, really wasted one night.

Even better is this interview.

Add this to the music video above, and I think we have a new reason the universe should be allowed to exist for at least a couple months until this project is completed.

The Dark Knight, musing on internet communication

First one:

I'm not going to attempt to do a review, as I don;t really have anything new to say, and I'll just come across as a blathering fanboy. That said, some not-quite-sentences: Lived up to hype, Heath Ledger brilliant, probably actually DOES deserve oscar nod, if they do another, I wonder what villain will be used, blah.

Second one:

I was talking to someone on the wonderful wild world of the internet, and at some point, they said "damn facebook chat." I said "Huh?"

So, apparently, they had been talking to Paul Draper, from Mansun, a band I have never listened to, but who this person is quite a fan of.

This made me think of writing this.

So, the way facebook chat works, for those who don't know: Your friend list consists of people who you have found on facebook and requested friend status from, or vice verse. When the person being asked confirms status, you are "friends". Facebook chat is the facebook IM thing. When you have facebook open, a little box in the corner can open up to show a list of people online. You can then IM these people.

Funnily enough, celebrities use the internet. Even funnilier, they use popular social networking sites! Funnilier still, people find them on those social networking sites. Lots of people. F'rinstance, there's someone I friend requested whose profile name is Thurston Moore. It may not actually be Thurston Moore, but the profile is fairly credible looking... Anyways, regardless of whether or not Thurston Moore is Thurston Moore and not some irritating teenager with nothing better to do than waste time on the internet, Thurston Moore has, as of this writing, 2,338 friends. That's quite a bit. Now, there are some other profiles under the Thurston Moore name, but I'm not about to add them for the purposes of whatever, and this is legit looking enough for me.

Now, the point of this is, if celebrities and whatnot add people to friendslists, "friends" can facebook-im them. I bet Thurston Moore is always set to appear offline though, that bastard. that makes sense actually, seeing as how many people seem to add him to their friends each day, he would be inundated.

Now, the point of this is... uh.....

hmm.

Something about this makes it easier to talk to your idols I guess.

Of course, it also makes celebrity impersonation a lot easier.

So, more people are happier, I guess.

So, the internet is a good thing.

Because it helps us tell lies and satisfy unhealthy hero worship.

Mmhmm.

In the future...

when 1984 has come true and whatnot, everything will be run by McDonalds. What I really look forward to most are the drive-through brothels. I'm wondering though, how the logistics of that will work. However, I guess it isn't so difficult with hygiene issues, legal prostitutes today are required to have checkups regularly and use condoms. Also, for residue and whatnot, that would be handled the way certain booths are today.

Oh, that bit requires explaining. See, at these McBordellos, there would be holes in walls through which one would be serviced. Brilliant, right? Now, for a higher caliber, one could order privately, but hey, this is meant to serve the man on the go, like fast food, for the busy man, often the working stiff, (hurhur), can't have any of that fancy private service. Though, if you really like, you can get a private booth, you sissy.

The thing is, in the future, masturbation will be outlawed so that more people will make use of McBordellos. It will be enforced very well, cameras will be every, along with the televisions where you can see yourself. And that's why life will be better for everyone. Because those are lovely for dancing, as we all know.

Are you ready for arMcgeddon?

The origin of Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons was motivated to get in shape when a note was left on his car that said "Fat people die young. Please don't die."

Hmm.

Does my seeing this mean that God is giving me a quest?

What would happen, though, if I put it on a family car or a shared car or something, and one of the owners was someone who was battling anorexia? I suppose that I could spy on people for weeks on end though, to make sure this wasn't the case. It would be more fun to spy on them afterwards, though. I'm imagining possible scenarios right now. This is one of those things that would have very different effects on different people.

I should do that to Tyra Banks' car. She'd have a show about it that would consist of ranting at the audience and projecting huge pictures of her thighs on a screen behind her and yelling "YOU LIKE THIS?! YOU LIKE THIS?! THIS IS WHAT A REAL WOMAN LOOKS LIKE. LEARN TO LIKE IT." Then, she would have some larger women on her show to have them talk about life as a larger woman. She would nod for about three seconds at each one and then yell, "You go girl! Yeah!' and clap and pat them on the back.

What a wonderful woman. She gives me strength in these dark times.

If peeing on things was acceptable

I would be really unhappy. One of the bathrooms in our house had not been flushed for awhile for some reason, and it remained unflushed because of how awful it smelled, and I thought maybe a fish had died in there, but it hadn't, it was old urine.

DELICIOUS.

My mood is far too susceptible to influence by the music I listen to. I was listening to Circle Jerks because of the FUCK YEAH TOUR. Now my knee is bouncing up and down.Because really, I want to run into things. YEAAAAAAH!!!! My knee is just compensating for not running into things.

Greatest performance by an actor ever? Sting David Lynch's Dune:

HUMAN EXCELLENCE!

EXCELLENCE OF HUMAN!

ESSENCE OF HUMAN WITH A HINT OF THYME. A LOVELY VINTAGE.

There's a blowjob smiley on MSN.

FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!

I love that smiley. If I write "blowjob" it just shows up. if I use caps it doesn't. It would be better if I wrote that in caps and it was huge, took up the whole page.

The icon is jsut a normal smiley face with a bit of skin-clad tube going into its mouth.

DONGRESS!!!!!

Why I should never be a comedian

One of the reasons is that, often, the things I do that I think are funny, no one else does. Also, often, when I succeed in making people laugh, it's with something I don't think is particularly clever. It makes me feel guilty.

I could either be a successful mass of neurotic angst, or an unsuccessful, unhappy bum with artistic integrity intact.

The other reason has something to do with my actual experience with standup comedy. For this, we must go aaaaaaall the way back, back, back to the dawns of time at elementary school talent shows.

Now, I like performing (bit of an attention whore, really), but there's no real reason anyone should pay much attention to me, because there's nothing I could perform. Well, in elementary school, we had a talent show, where I found the perfect outlet for exhibiting my nontalent for 60 glorious seconds. One year, I dressed up as Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof and danced to "If I were a Rich Man". The one year I actually did something impressive was when I displayed my stupendous pogo-sticking talent. Here was something I was actually good at. I could jump with one foot, I could do no hand, I could put it behind my back and sump, I would twist it around in midair, and finally, for my epic finish, I could dismount by jumping in the air and shoving it between my open legs, landing on the ground. This was great. I could make a career out of competitive pogo-sticking.

Then, I outgrew the pogo-stick.

I still pined for the stage. No business like show business and all. During middle school, though, my biggest role in a school musical was a random middle aged guy in Damn Yankees who sand about the ump being blind, along with two others. I watched every middle school musical bitterly. Footloose became a mortal enemy.

In highschool, I didn't make it into any shows, or into the improv club, because my audition for that one mostly consisted of saying "vagina" a lot. It seemed like that;s what everyone was doing....

So, I finally landed on something to do.

At this regular local show, they have an open mic. One day, I decided to go up and do one. I had done one before that no one really cared about, but this time I would make an impact. I walked up to the stage.

"I am the Goblin King!"

And, that was my act, I was the Goblin King. Basically, the Goblin King was very neurotic, and quite tired of raping and pillaging, just wanted to settle down.

Unfortunately, one guy insists on still calling me the Goblin King, and my next performance, (not as the Goblin King) made some want to ban me from performing, and I feel guilty about it. That, coupled with not wanting to be called the Goblin King for the rest of my life prevents me, though sometimes, in the still of the night, the stage calls my name, and I die inside just a little bit.

NAW IM JUST PLAYIN LOL

Movies watched since Saturday

Repulsion

Really creepy Polanski thriller starring Catharine Deneuve as a woman who goes insane when her sister and her sister's boyfriend go on vacation, and she is left alone. The movie does a really good job of setting things up. Little hints are dropped. The movie's greatest accomplishment is that when men look at Deneuve and objectify her, the viewer can understand how violated she feels. It's also just full of really fucked up shit. Will never see rabbits the same way.

Clerks II

Watched this on youtube somewhere around one in the morning. Much better than I expected. It does seem a bit odd that a big part of the main character's troubles is that he's caught between two attractive women. (Lookithim!) But at the same time, one of them is played by the wife of Kevin Smith, so ya. It was a lot different than Clerks, though, because that one almost seemed like a New Jersey version of a Jim Jarmusch movie at times (this was pointed out to me by a friend, and I thought that it was perfect), and the plot seemed more incidental. Not a huge fan of either film, but I can;t understand why anyone would really hate them, they're very good at what they do.

La Haine

FUCKING MASTERPIECE. Three guys in the projects in France wander around after their friend is beaten until comatose by a cop. one of them finds a gun a cop lsot during riots, and vows to kill one if the friend dies. Extremely tense, and very sad. Also, very fleshed out, three dimensional characters. It's like a road trip movie pervaded with a depressing sense of aimlessness, because the characters are in constant motion, but don;t go anywhere, except on one trip to Paris, and I won;t spoil any of their misadventures there for you. See if you can figure out what that cow is, though. In lovely black and white.

Life of Brian

What can be said? The Pythons are generally hilarious. Veddy silly.

Whath tho funny about the name of my fwiend?

Clerks

Wanted to find something to fall asleep to, and I had seen this before so I wouldn't need to pay much attention to it. It's a nice laid back sort of movie, and I don't really have much to say about it that I haven't said above.

This is England

Great movie, set in England in the 80s, about a preteen whose father was killed in the Falklands. He falls in with some friendly skinheads who are nice to him after he gets made fun of in school. Then, an old friend of his new friends gets out of jail spouting racist, nationalist garbage, splitting up the group. He is joined by Shaun, who is confused and upset. As coming of age movies go, you really can't get much better. Shaun's journey of self discovery is brilliantly conveyed, with not a wrong note.

FUCK

FUCKING FUCKITY MCFUCKSTER!

Apparently, you needed to get tickets earlier for a concert I;ve been planning to go to, Sonic Youth/The Feelies in Battery Park.

FUCK.

FUCK.

You know what also sucks? George Bush impressions. I'm so sick of those. Mispronouncing words with a scrunched face doesn't make you funny. You know who else can do that? Anyone, with some help from a stroke.