Why I should never be a comedian

One of the reasons is that, often, the things I do that I think are funny, no one else does. Also, often, when I succeed in making people laugh, it's with something I don't think is particularly clever. It makes me feel guilty.

I could either be a successful mass of neurotic angst, or an unsuccessful, unhappy bum with artistic integrity intact.

The other reason has something to do with my actual experience with standup comedy. For this, we must go aaaaaaall the way back, back, back to the dawns of time at elementary school talent shows.

Now, I like performing (bit of an attention whore, really), but there's no real reason anyone should pay much attention to me, because there's nothing I could perform. Well, in elementary school, we had a talent show, where I found the perfect outlet for exhibiting my nontalent for 60 glorious seconds. One year, I dressed up as Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof and danced to "If I were a Rich Man". The one year I actually did something impressive was when I displayed my stupendous pogo-sticking talent. Here was something I was actually good at. I could jump with one foot, I could do no hand, I could put it behind my back and sump, I would twist it around in midair, and finally, for my epic finish, I could dismount by jumping in the air and shoving it between my open legs, landing on the ground. This was great. I could make a career out of competitive pogo-sticking.

Then, I outgrew the pogo-stick.

I still pined for the stage. No business like show business and all. During middle school, though, my biggest role in a school musical was a random middle aged guy in Damn Yankees who sand about the ump being blind, along with two others. I watched every middle school musical bitterly. Footloose became a mortal enemy.

In highschool, I didn't make it into any shows, or into the improv club, because my audition for that one mostly consisted of saying "vagina" a lot. It seemed like that;s what everyone was doing....

So, I finally landed on something to do.

At this regular local show, they have an open mic. One day, I decided to go up and do one. I had done one before that no one really cared about, but this time I would make an impact. I walked up to the stage.

"I am the Goblin King!"

And, that was my act, I was the Goblin King. Basically, the Goblin King was very neurotic, and quite tired of raping and pillaging, just wanted to settle down.

Unfortunately, one guy insists on still calling me the Goblin King, and my next performance, (not as the Goblin King) made some want to ban me from performing, and I feel guilty about it. That, coupled with not wanting to be called the Goblin King for the rest of my life prevents me, though sometimes, in the still of the night, the stage calls my name, and I die inside just a little bit.

NAW IM JUST PLAYIN LOL