The television, 2 of my best friends

I was up a couple nights ago watching comedy central while doing my laundry, and the commercial break came up. I think sometimes the programmers fall asleep or something, because often, the end of one commercial will be cut off and it'll go straight to another one. This one commercial was about some TV show making fun of celebrities, and then it switched. So, it went something like this:

"Watch these celebrities get what they deserve--"

"NATURAL MAAAAALE ENHANCEMENT! Extenze has been proven to do one thing-- increase the size of a certain organ."

Then, the next commercial break, there was an ad for a herpes medication. Very strategic.

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When I was just a little boy, my best friend was a boy named Matthew. This was back before preschool.

Matthew used to say mean things about my sister. This was an affront to my manhood. How dare this happen! How could he say these things, and me not abuse her? The fact that she was a ballerina and that I hadn't pushed on the ground and made her cry recently made me a disgrace to boys everywhere. So, I would do just that, and feel a mixture of guilt and manliness, until my sister ran to one of my parents and complained, at which point the manliness was replaced by fear, and the resulting exchange would go like this:

Parent: Josh, why did you push your sister?
Me: Matthew said I should!
Matthew: I didn't do anything!
Parent: Josh, I'm very disappointed in you. I'm going to have to call Matthew's parents and have them pick him up.

At which point they would do so, while I cried bitter tears and my sister smirked through fake ones, little 3 year old whore that she was. Eventually, Matthew moved away and I never saw him again. Before that happened, though, the above events happened over and over.

My next best friend was during my preschool era. He was named Ari. I was very jealous of his bowl cut. I really wanted one, but my hair was too Jewish and didn't grow correctly.

Ari had a lot I was jealous of besides his hair. He was also able to do flips in the air.

Ari could also dance like Michael Jackson.